What's the Point?

5 Points for Handling Tough Conversations

“Why did they take it so personally?”

Have you ever uttered this phrase or heard someone else say it? Perhaps it was just after a performance review discussion, or some other workplace-related tough-stuff type conversation.

People can take criticism and feedback very personally, sometimes more than expected. But rather than simply dumping blame on them, have you ever stopped to think what your role was in them having taken it personally?

The truth is, people often take things personally not because of what is said but rather, on where you said it.

Picture this... you sit down to give someone some tough but necessary feedback. You take a deep breath, thank them for coming, then proceed to look them square in the eye and...

There’s your first mistake. 

Using the exceptional intellectual property of Michael Grinder as a cornerstone, we know that using a ‘two-point’ communication medium (eye to eye) is probably the worst way to conduct a tough stuff conversation. You see, it is almost impossible to not take it personally, because the manner in which you communicated the message was the most personal of all communication styles.

So next time you have a message that is not peaches and cream, try the following 5 points;

1. Conduct the conversation anywhere but your office. Avoid the contamination of your most productive space. It’s damn hard having a ‘let’s get excited/kick some goals!’ type of meeting the day after you have torn shreds off them in that very same seat. 
2. Direct the conversation to a shared point. No, this doesn’t mean using some multi-million dollar software program, it simply means using something you can both look at. Whether it is a piece of paper, whiteboard, or job-sheet, if you both direct attention towards it, in turn, it directs attention away from you both, depersonalising the situation.
3. Use your hand eye coordination. To ensure the use of a shared point works well, make sure your eye-line and hand movements are congruent. Research shows, we tend to look where others look, and if your eyes and hands follow each other, it is subconsciously very hard for us not to follow.
4. Don't let them drag you in. Even though you may be looking to not use eye-to-eye contact, they may want you to. They might be trying two things. Firstly, they might be wanting you to look into their puppy-dog eyes so you will love them a little more... and secondly, they might want you looking them in the eye because they scare you. Either reason, you don’t want to go there.
5. Breathe deep. Great leaders have the ability to breath low in a crisis. If you stay calm, it helps them stay calm.

In the end, tough conversations are an inevitable part of our workday; that’s a given. But the way in which you handle them will probably determine how much sleep you get that night.

Thanks for reading

Darren Hill

Executive Director

Pragmatic Thinking